Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
