omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
