After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
