If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's rum buckets o'clock
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
