He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
