I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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