In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Randomize
