"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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