I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
