Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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