We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She's the barista slut.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
