Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
