you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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