got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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