ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
