No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
