Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
