apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
