I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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