He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
