my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
