why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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