Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
