He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
