I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
