Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
