There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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