I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
