My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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