im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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