i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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