Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
