the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
