Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
