I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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