What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
