New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
