Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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