my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she looked like the before picture.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i out mim tonsoeep
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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