I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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