Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
