Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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