I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
