I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my phone needs a breathalizer
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
