Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
