I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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