I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
