Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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