like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Come on in and take your pants off
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