The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
