I heard we made out
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
